Why you don't need a dad if you have Youtube
Luca started High school yesterday. It had been many weeks of planning, buying books and uniforms and school bags and kit bags and all sorts of other things we discovered last minute that we needed.
The night before we checked and rechecked that we had everything.
I enjoyed some self satisfied pride.
Hey, I was all over this shit. I had it sorted.
I slept well.
The next morning I realised that I had forgotten to buy food for Luca's lunch.
I didn't even have any bread in the house.
Pride snuck out the door and was quickly replaced by thinly veiled panic.
As I was scrambling together some scraps for his lunch bag Luca presented himself in the kitchen brandishing his school tie.
"Right Mum, so, how do I put this on?" He asked me.
I hadn't the first clue how to tie a tie.
I made a few attempts but they all looked terrible. Luca tried too but nothing we did looked right.
"Youtube!" Luca shouted and we consulted the oracle of youtube for a quick lesson in tie tying.
When the tie was properly on we went back into the kitchen which was when I realised the clock had stopped we were now very close to being late.
Now in a major panic I grabbed Luca's bag and coat and hurried him out the door.
We (literally) sped the whole way to his school. Usually I am law abiding, and generally I am against speeding.
But this is how it was: if Luca was late for school that would be like me standing up in front of Luca's classmates, teachers, all the other parents and my ex and his family and announcing: "I am disorganized. I am chaotic and irresponsible. I am a poor time keeper. And, as I clearly don't give a shit - I am a Bad Mother!"
And, as it hurt me to even write those words, there was no fecking way my kid was going to be late for his first day. As you can see it was all about me.
So I sped.
It is a measure of the lax policing of this country that I even sped past the copshop.
On route I gave Luca the following advice.
Me: "You know the way a lot of the kids at your old school were arseholes?"
Me: "Right, well now's your chance to ditch the arseholes and make some new non-arsehole friends. How do you think you do that?"
Luca: "Ah, I dunno."
Me: "By not being an arsehole yourself. Chose the route of kindness every time and you'll attract some new, nice, kind friends. Don't try to impress people by being an arsehole. Do you know who is impressed by displays of arseholery?"
Me: "That's right. So good luck, have a great day and remember - don't be an arsehole!"
And with that I pushed him out the door and into the big scary world of high school.
As I sat in the carpark ruminating on the morning and watching my son run hurriedly into the school I noticed, to my immense satisfaction, a car pull up outside the school and a boy with unkempt hair jump out and race at speed into the school.
A win for me methinks.